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Saturday, 6 June 2015

He Will Do Good Anyway


I don't want to do today.

I wake up and immediately want to be asleep again; I want to crawl back to the comfort of unconsciousness, where I’m  safe from the steady waves of anxiety- anger- disappointment-shame breaking over my waking mind.

I want to forget. The past feels like a fully-stocked weaponry for shame: that’s where the trying happened, and the failing happened. The past is heavy with disappointment and its weight seeps into my view of the future. Fear that trying again might mean failing again eats away at hope. And so the present is burdened with frustration: I feel paralysed, inadequate, sad.

I want to forget.

I should get out of bed, get dressed, call someone. But I can't think who to call, I can't decide what to wear, and I really don't want to get out of bed.

Instead, I want to forget. Get my binge watching on. Go back to sleep. Get a multi-pack of something sugar-loaded and eat until the despair subsides. 

But somehow I know I need not to forget.

I desperately, in the manner of someone gasping for breath, need to remember the Lord.

Remember that he:
  • has ordained the times and places where people will live, so that people might reach out for Him and find Him (Acts 17: 26-27)
  • ordained all of my days before one of them came to be (Psalm 139:16)
  • is my refuge, my strength- and my ever present help even in this particular time of trouble (Psalm 46:1)
  • has forgiven me for my anxiety, for my doubt, for those moments and days of anger when I rage because life is not working out how I want it to work out (Colossians 2:13)
  • is not just a father but my Father, not just kind but the source of all kindness (James 1:17)
  • is with me, is upholding me, will not abandon me (Isaiah 41:10) 
  • knows what I need and will supply my need- has already supplied my greatest need (Philippians 4:19)
  • loves me deeply. Right now, as I am- in all my fearful mess. (1 John 3:1)
  • will one day swallow up darkness completely in His warmth and goodness and light. (Revelation 21:4) 

I need to remember these things.

Each is glorious alone. I see them from a distance and know- if I could just get a grip on one of them, I might be able to get out of bed.

But what if I can't? Or don't? Or won't?

The good news, the big relief and my only real hope- is that whether I remember the truth this morning or not- the Lord will do good anyway.

He will reign in robust goodness and generous kindness and sovereign providence anyway. Right in the shadows where my anxiety lurks, my doubt clouds Him out, right in the pit where the past is a barrage of shame and the future is a wall of impossibilities: the Lord will do good anyway. 

When I was dead in my sins and his enemy- without the will or power to grasp it, Jesus was battling for me on the front line; plunging himself in to darkness; aligning himself with my weakness and sin and unbelief; absorbing the full penalty for it all willingly; plumbing the depths so that no stone of my redemption was left unturned. When I was far off, blind, dead...He was coming out of the grave as a Victor for my sake. 

And that could turn the tide.

Whether I can grasp it this morning or not, He is still the ordainer of my days, He is still my present help, He is still the guarantee of my forgiveness, my most loyal companion, the lover of my bruised soul, and He is still reigning as Victor.

This morning, I am no victor.

I feel utterly defeated.  I am weak and faithless and doubt filled and afraid, and I don't want to do today. 

But He will do good anyway. 


6 comments:

  1. Love this - particularly the last line.
    So true Phil, but such a painful experience as well.

    So proud of you!

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  2. Thank you for writing this - it carries me through.

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  3. Thank you for your words, they lead me closer to Christ when I've been feeling very low emotionally as well. My prayers are with you that God will comfort you today.

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  4. God's goodness is not dependent on us remembering his goodness. What a helpful reminder and great comfort! Thank you.

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  5. Still wonderful stuff, Phil. "He will reign in robust goodness and generous kindness and sovereign providence anyway." - beautifully written and what amazing truths. Thankful for you xxxx

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